SUMMERTIME BLUES Haven't seen any movies since Kings and Queen and I don't plan to in the near future, so I thought I'd do a summer movie preview. Remember, I haven't seen any of these films: the following comments come directly from the seething underbelly of my critic's id/unconscious.

Revenge of the Sith - Well, I did see this one and I already reviewed it. So, you can read what I thought about on this blog. Okay, this isn't getting off to a good start.

The Longest Yard - Yet another needless remake. I mean seriously, why? I'm not even a person who loved the first film either. Can't they think of anything new? And Adam Sandler as a quaterback? Ya gotta be kiddin' me, right?

Madagascar - Celebrities making a kids' film for their kids.

Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants - I don't want to beat up on this film, as it seems well-intentioned, but it has that after-school special, girl-power feel about it. Everyone learns a lesson of some sort and goes home happy. Well, life isn't always about lessons, kids. It's about booze and drugs and fried food. And what about that title?

Cinderella Man - Opie, Russ, and Renee need more Oscars. Why don't they just back a fucking truck up to the loading dock of the Academy Awards? Or can't there be some sort of special Ron Howard Academy Awards for movies that aspire to greatness but are boring, wholesome crap? Another bad title too, even if they really called the guy that. Throw your phone at Mr. Crowe when he's on the screen.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith - I'm holding out some hope for this one, but I have to admit it that it looks a little stupid. The preview shows Brad and Angelina trying to kill each other in all kinds of cute ways, which is supposed to be funny because they're married. Still I've liked some films directed by Doug Liman, particularly The Bourne Identity, and Brad Pitt has been good in his comic roles. I still don't know what to think about Angelina. She's gorgeous, but in a sort of cartoonish way. If they re-made Weird Science, she would be perfect in the Kelly LeBrock part since she looks like a woman that teenage boys would dream up. She's not a bad actress, but for the most part, she's made solemn, dull Hollywood dramas that seem to have had all the life sucked out of them in advance. Stay tuned.

Batman Begins- The serious Batman. The darker Batman. The tragic Batman. Honestly, who gives a shit about these tortured superheroes anymore? They're all so fucking depressed. I half expect that most of the action in this one will consist of Batman moping around his cave listening to Morissey and the Cure. Oh, by the way, Katie Holmes, a.k.a. Tom Cruise's future ex-wife, plays a district attorney in this one.

Bewitched - Can you smell it? Yes, that's the stink of a serious shit bomb. This might have worked had they got Jim Carrey to play Darrin. He might have goosed Nicole Kidman a little bit. I don't think Will Ferrell's up to the task.

War of the Worlds - To quote Brooke Shields, "Tom [Cruise] should stick to saving the world from aliens and let women who are experiencing postpartum depression decide what treatment options are best for them.” Maybe, maybe not, Brooke. I don't know about this one. It could suck, it could be pretty good. Considering Minority Report, Cruise and Spielberg's last outing though, I'm going to err on the side of this sucking.

Fantastic Four - All rational parts of my being tell me that this is going to be god-awful, but I have a funny feeling that it might not be. Maybe it's just that it looks like it's going to be so bad that I'm being fooled into thinking that it won't be. If so, hats off to those Hollywood studios and their brilliant reverse psychology.

Dark Water - It pains me to say it, since my girl Jennifer Connelly (J.Co.) is the star, but this doesn't look very good. It looks like a knock-off of The Ring and The Grudge and those other remakes of Japanese horror flicks, but it's about three years too late. It looks dull and plodding, with minimal thrills. Dark Water indeed.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Don't know about this one. I like Johnny Depp a lot, but can he really top Gene Wilder? The thing with Wilder in the original was that he looked somewhat normal, so that the character's deadpan nastiness was that much more shocking. From what I've seen of the new CCF, they've made Johnny up to look like a lesbian vampire, showcasing Willy Wonka's oddity up front. Let's just hope he can channel some of that over the top energy from Pirates of the Caribbean. I expect there will be a lot of Tim Burton production design in this one, which doesn't do much for me.

The Wedding Crashers - Vince Vaughan and Owen Wilson scam available women at wedding receptions. Sounds like it could be funny. I'm sure they'll find a way to fuck it up.

The Island - Is it me or is this just a big chase movie? There's nothing wrong with that. Just wanted to make sure.

The Bad News Bears - Hmmm. I feel conflicted about this one. The original was, of course, one the seminal movie experiences of my childhood. And Billy Bob in the Walter Matthau part seems like a good idea. Probably won't equal the original, but might be good. Now that I think about it, one of the things I liked about the original was that it was filmed in a low-key, almost-documentary style that gave it a heightened sense realism. It looked the way my life did. That was nice.

Stealth - Jessica Biel, Josh Lucas, and Jamie Foxx save the world from a stealth bomber with a mind of its own. So stupid it's brilliant.

The Brothers Grimm- Terry Gilliam. Great visuals, can't tell a story to save his life. Interesting choice for Matt Damon, though.

Dukes of Hazard - Insert Jessica Simpson joke here.

And a lot more crap in August!!!  ¶ 11:17 AM